Brokology...

I was thinking about my life the other day, and I had an(other) epiphany. I'm atoning for something. The only question now is what it is I'm atoning for. I haven't been that bad of a guy. I've never beaten a woman, never robbed, raped, or pillaged, never (purposefully) hurt someone I cared about, never done anything wholly unethical on the job, never taken any illegal drugs nor any legal ones for fun. I drive pretty responsibly, I help others when they need it, I make people laugh sometimes with my witticisms, my cheerful manner seems to be appreciated at my jobs....
So what is it? Well, I guess I haven't been the best boyfriend/husband when I've been with someone. I do tend to emotionally withdraw if things get rocky, and I know for sure that I broke the heart of the best woman I've ever met (so far). I did a fair amount of whoring myself out, and I'm sure some of those women were expecting that their bodies would win my heart. I have misled people to get stuff sold, especially when I was in the car business. But nothing materially misleaing, no lemons sold as dreamcars, no 16 percent mortgages that the buyer didn't want, no barbecue grills that I knew would explode.
Now I realize that its the sum total of these experiences that has done me in. Its the overall level of shadiness. And my perverse pride in being such an operator. Look at my username everywhere, the 'Shaistyone', and my half-joking insistence on calling myself evil and shady whenever I get a chance.

So now the question is how to atone and how long will be necessary for my subconscious to feel punished enough to let me go. That's the tricky one.

Jason }:(

P.S. I've heard that money can't buy happiness...but I think I'll withhold my judgment until I've tried it out...